🎶I am beautiful no matter what they say, words can't bring me down🎶
...an interesting look into how if one hears something often enough they may start to internalize it
“A looking glass does not lie.” Mrs. Varley to Pen
Pen is gorgeous. That dark green dress when she removed her cloak? Whew! Yaaass girl, the silhouette mimicking see-through was stunning. I would have loved a string mashup of Beautiful and Reflection by Christina Aguilera there, as she’s looking at her reflection in the mirror, or maybe in episode 5 near the end when Pen is hyperventilating from the pressure applied by Eloise’s deadline to tell Colin she is Whistledown or episode 8, at the ending when Pen is standing before the ton. I loved Varley saying that to Penelope because it’s her coming into her own.
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly it's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamedI am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down,lyrics from Beautiful
She’s beginning to shed feelings of insecurity that have weighed on her from being ridiculed (episode one when she tells Colin she changes her style and is still ridiculed). This moment is her directly receiving a positive affirmation. She is beautiful. Additionally, her reflection foreshadows her acceptance of her alter ego, which has given her strength. The words of the Ton that brought her down she used to bring herself down as well as them. She is becoming a version of herself that she’s only ever imagined she could be, and similar to her love for Colin, something she’s never really believed could happen or who she is.
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?lyrics from Reflection
Shall I add, that Reflection, is about a woman hiding who she is for fear society would not accept her? Very relevant. What follows is Pen's attempt to become who she thinks society wants her to be as she begins her “charm lessons” with Colin. She is discomposed. Agitated. Nervous giggles. Pen is hyper-aware of her discomfort around others because of how the ton has treated her. Colin never sees this to him she is charming. Yes, he knows people have been cruel, yet he doesn’t seem to conceptualize why.
This leads to Colin basically admitting as much during their debrief when he says, “The truth is you do not need a lesson.” While Pen states she feels she cannot be herself due to society's judgment.
Colin: You are very teachable. You simply do not need to be taught. You already know how to do this.
Pen: I assure you I do not
Colin: Because we were children. Before self-consciousness of adulthood set in. Before we started caring what others think.
Pen: Colin, it is impossible to be in society and not care what others think. Society is entirely composed of the judgment of others.
Colin: Do you know what I discovered when I was abroad? No one knew me. No one knew who I was supposed to be. I was entirely freed of being the Colin Bridgerton the ton knows me to be which is how I became myself. Pen, living for the estimation of others is a trap. Once you break free, the world opens up. Why is it you want a husband?
Pen: So that I may have my freedom. So that I may feel comfortable in the world.
Colin: And it will be finding that comfort in yourself will get you there.
What’s clear about Colin and many other men is that they do not understand what it means to live in society as a woman. During that time a woman cannot "break free,” because she isn’t afforded the same opportunities and thus the world cannot open up. A woman can only begin to see a modicum of freedom through marriage. While one should not “live for the estimation of others” the judgment of society does define one’s trap if you are not of the majority or what society defines as the “norm.”
We can insert any marginal identity here, being of a different race, gender identity, sexuality, non-native speaker, neurodiverse, fat, etc. When one can exist and things open up easily, one often does not want to be made aware of this, nor do they want attention called to its unfairness. One becomes dismissive and, in short, behaves like Colin, trying to convince you that you need only to do what they have done.
The irony is that while Colin is telling Pen this, he is unaware that he has done the same thing. He returned not having found himself, but hiding himself and believing he has “found himself” by conforming to societal ideals of what a gentleman should be. We shall put a pin in this as this will come up a few more times and we’ll discuss it again.
Sidebar: Rae stay giving Colin the side-eye, but does not hesitate to take his coins. I know that’s right. I see you, Rae.
Colin also does not realize how much he be checkin’ for Pen. His heart is wayyy ahead of his brain.
Pen tells him in ep1 that she thought he was embarrassed by her; he then bribes Rae and comes right over to tell her he’s never been embarrassed he’s always searching for her.
She says she wants to be married and he offers his assistance and introduces her to men because he sees her as charming (although he doesn’t realize she’s only that way with him, for the most part).
She tells him that their home has been her one place of comfort and he immediately invites her over for her next lesson.
Colin searches for her at the ball and tells her that the Viscount, Lord Basilio is not above her rank because she is “Penelope Featherington. Do not forget that.”
After reading LW, Colin looks out the window for Pen concerned for her.
“Forgive me. It is only…deep inside, I know I can be clever and amusing, but somehow, my character gets lost between my heart and my mouth, and I find myself saying the wrong thing or, more likely, nothing at all.”
Sidebar: when Pen tells him how she feels he very clearly chokes on his drink (for the second time; the first was her entrance to the ball).
I think, I am somehow afraid I will do something wrong, and they will take it all away. We’ve made use of our advantages but everything up until now, we have worked for. And...I cannot stop thinking…what have we done to earn this?
Pen isn’t alone in feeling the constraints of society and desiring to be free. The Mondriches have recently become the Earl and Lady of Kent from an inheritance to their son. Alice and Will struggle with their sudden wealth and the transition from the working class to a higher, non-working class. Indeed, their fear is warranted.
Let’s rewind it back to Portia, Pen’s mom, upset and lamenting to Varley about the “Kent estate going to the son of a boxer.” Very classist. And ma’am, those in broke houses should not cast stones. We know from Queen Charlotte, people of color being members of the Ton is fairly recent. The Mondriches may be the first family not born into the Ton by wealth or race.
They grapple with how to exist within this new part of society and adhere to all its rules from attire to sleeping in separate rooms. Benedict's advice gives them the courage to define what freedom means for themselves and pursue it.
The Queen acknowledges this to Francesca, “Because you delight in your endeavors. Someone who performs not for me but for themselves.” This is an indictment of how she has grown tired of the Ton as they all cater to what they believe one should be rather than being one’s true self. This explains the Queen's fascination with Lady Whistledown. LW dares to challenge her.
Prudence and Phillipa are hilarious this season. It’s also rather sad how much mothers do not talk to their daughters. Considering Daphne had to learn about marital relations from her maid in Season 1, it's not surprising that Portia also didn't tell her daughters. The fact she assumed they’d know! We will discuss more later regarding mothers.
After all, a small taste of the light can lead to that most dangerous of emotions. Hope. And once hope is lost, a lady may become reckless.
And here we return to words bringing us down. Penelope’s mother’s words bring her down and in turn her own words, as an echo to the sentiments of the ton Ton, which she’s internalized. Portia’s words were biting, “How can you be so reckless? No, what is foolish is being unreasonable about what you can achieve. I had thought when you bought those dresses, it was only for your amusement, not that you earnestly believed you might find a husband in your third year out.” Pen still doesn’t see herself as beautiful. Worthy. Loved.
Of course, we’re now at numbers 6-8: Colin watching as Pen flirts with Lord Remington; he doesn’t seem too happy about it, although he is supportive. Colin bribes Rae again for a private moment with Pen and gives in to Pen’s request for a kiss.
In truth, I brought this on myself. A sad, stupid girl who believed she might possibly have a chance of love
She was grateful. With her hopes dashed, she didn’t read anything into it or maybe she refused to allow herself to hope for the one thing she’s always thought was impossible as such, she thanked him and ran away.
Meanwhile, she done rocked Colin’s world. He is down bad. I’m convinced her “please” sent a jolt of emotion directly to his heart. Afterwards, Colin was shook. He’s just standing there dumbfounded. Tectonic plates shifted; his axis would never be the same as this was the moment his brain caught up to his heart. A slight prickle of dawning realization begins.